My Open Letter to Nicole Arbour,

My Open Letter to Nicole Arbour,

Dear Nicole,

I’m guessing you’ve had a pretty shitty few days. I’m honestly not here to make them worse. I am here, however, to try and educate you about the effect that your words may have had. But I’m not talking about the effect they had on me. I’m a grown woman. I’m 23 years old. And I’m a fatty. I know this and I am still living my best life. I’m lucky that I am strong enough to deal with the abuse and general nastiness that comes when you are a fat person, although I wasn’t always.

The effect I want to tell you about is the one that you will have had on a young person. Maybe one like my 14 year old cousin (who’s also my goddaughter and more like my sister). She’s beautiful, like every young person, and I don’t even know if she’s seen your video. But when I watched it, it was her that I immediately thought of.

Now, some of the fault for this worry does not lie with you. The constant perpetuation by the mainstream media that without being a UK size 6 you are not worth the time of day when it comes to any kind of activity is not something that you started or are responsible for. It’s not you that chooses to consistently show the same body type as the only one that has any worth or value, nor are you responsible for the constant pressure for young people to be sexualised too early (especially young women – case in point, Emma Watson was sexualised in the media far earlier that Rupert Grint or Dan Radcliffe).

Where you come in is in conjunction with this. Video’s like yours terrify me because they reiterate that point in a harsh and cruel way. That young women like my cousin can stumble across your material and be made to feel that having a larger body type is wrong. I’m not even talking about fat girls. I have watched my slim, athletically built cousin look at her UK size 10 body and complain that her thighs are too fat and she needs to lose weight. She comes from a family of fatties – trust me, she’s not getting this from us. She plays rugby, she’s in the army cadets, she’s the fittest out of all of us, and still she doesn’t feel good enough.

And that is what concerns me. Videos that you and others intend to be funny are scaring young beautiful people. Male or female, gay or straight, white or a POC, trans or gender queer, or anything else in between - it doesn’t matter, we should be building them up not tearing them down.  Young people who maybe aren’t strong enough to recognise that no-one else’s opinion matters are seeing videos like yours and not realising that they do not have to conform to these unrealistic body standards. And I’m not just talking about the obese kids. I’m talking about the healthy weight kids, the kids with eating disorders, the girl with the boobs which are too big and the guy who is too short. Videos like this encourage them aspire to a photoshopped perfection which they can never reach. They have another decade in front of them before they start to realise (if they’re like me) that what we are told and shown by the world maybe isn’t what’s right for us. And a those ten years could be dangerous ones, in terms of the physical and mental health repercussions that can come from body image issues.  

Bodyshaming in ANY format is cruel and unnecessary. You showed that you yourself have experienced it when you made the joke about a blonde explaining things, having obviously been told because you’re a blonde you’re dumb (or simply heard all the old jokes like I did when I was blonde. Fat and blonde – they were not a good few years…). That you would perpetuate that in anyway makes me sad. You’re a woman. You have been judged for your body. That is the inevitable but sad truth. It makes me sad that someone who appears to know what it’s like is perpetuating the action.

I don’t want this message to make you feel bad. I want it to educate you. I want you to understand the repercussions of a video like this one. As an adult who has fought her way out of depression and is happy, I can watch your video, shake my head and not let it follow me for the rest of the day. Some kids watching this may have it follow them for the rest of their life.

That is the reason many people have reacted in the way that they have. Like me, they are scared for the kids.

So next time you use your platform to talk about an issue like this one – go for it. I would never stop you expressing your opinions and encouraging the world to pursue a life that makes them happy and healthy is fantastic.

Just next time think about how you say it. That’s all.

With love (from a fatty)

Innocents.

A bike. A picture book. A bear. A doll.
Piled with the rubble and the rubbish. Coated in dirt, and dust, and blood and tears.
This is the evidence of the innocents.

A blanket. A music box. Coloured pencils and a ball.
Trampled into the mud, tossed aside and forgotten.
This is the evidence of the innocents.

Bikes and books and balls do not pick sides. They have no allegiance. They are merely objects, proof of a life once lived. But they hold memories, and feelings. They tell the story of the innocents.

Look at that bear. I had one just like it. So did you. So did they. Bears do not pick sides but are the confidantes and protectors of scared little souls.

Look at these things. Dirty and stained though they are they tell the story of laughter, love and fun. They tell the stories of picnics in the sunlight and stories in the dark, of scraped knees and bruised elbows, of hope and love. They tell the stories of the innocents.

They tell the stories of fear, and loss, and pain and sorrow. They tell of feelings that overwhelm but are not fully understood. They tell the stories of those who are losing their innocence. They tell the stories of those who have had everything torn from them with no understanding of why or how. They tell stories of lost homes and shattered dreams, of nightmares and hungry stomachs.

They tell the stories of the innocents.

To those who come after me

To Those Who Come After Me,

You. Yes, you, the young man or woman reading this. You. The phrase "because everybody else does" is no longer accepted on these premises.

I don't care about everybody else. Everyone else as a puppy? I don't care. Everybody else saw that movie? I don't care. "Because everybody else does" is no longer accepted on these premises.

Oh, I'm not saying no. I'm not saying yes, either. I'm saying tell me why you - yes, you - want this. Caught playing truant because everybody else does? Not going to fly. Why did you do it? Everybody else has those shoes, that bag, this laptop? Why do you want them? Yes, you.

I declare today that "because everyone else does" is bullshit. I tell you this not to make you mad. I tell you this to help you. Learn now that this is just a way of saying "I did this, want this, said this because I fear myself. I fear my own decisions. I am scared of not fitting in." So, "because everyone else does" is no longer accepted on these premises.

"Because everybody else does" is bullshit.
Why did you tease the kid in the playground, even though deep in your soul you knew it was wrong? Because everybody else did. Bullshit.
Why did you steal that shirt when dared to, even though you hated yourself for doing it? Because everyone else did. Bullshit.

You - pardon me, we - do these thing because we are scared of being ourselves. We are scared of standing out, of being the oddball, of being weird, the freak, the geek, the one that they all hate because we're different.

Well, "because everybody else does", you have reached your expiry date. No more will you make us cower in your shadow. No longer will you degrade and diminish our brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, friends. No longer will you have the power to make us be someone we are not. "Because everybody else does" is no longer accepted on these premises.

Today we learn a new phrase. "Because that is what I do." Today we stop allowing four words to control our lives. To those who come after me, this is the best advice that I can give you. Own your decisions. Choose your path. Be yourself. Because when you do what everybody else does you lose yourself. You hurt yourself. Yourself becomes ourselves and where's the fun in that.

You - yes, you - reading this, you are unique. You are special. You are the product of love, of science, of education, of religion, of experience, of late night arguments and early morning breakfasts. You are the point in time and space where millions of tiny decisions converged to create one spectacular human being, decisions that in their infinite banality created something incredible. You are the stuff of legend. You are the future of the universe and the end of the world. You are joy and hope, sorrow and sadness, tomorrow and yesterday all rolled into one.

You - yes, you- are something wonderful.

You are not everybody else.

Stop trying to be. It goes against the very make up of your DNA.

Be you - yes, you - in all your spectacular, muddled, crazy glory.

Because "everybody else does" is no longer accepted on these premises.